Everything you want and need...
WILL HAPPEN.
You're moving,
You're a college student,
your health is... well... we won't talk about that.
Girls suck, well that never changes...
You got this.


Right, just repeat this to myself and it will be true?
*sigh*
We'll see.

What the fuck is wrong with me?
Where did I go?
When I'm around people I'm nervous, anxious and push them away. Even though all I want to do is talk to them and engage.
I don't know how to engage anymore. Between being sick all the fucking time and my extreme abandonment issues I just don't want to let anyone close to me. When I'm away from everyone all I crave is company, but once I get it I just want to be home alone smoking a bowl with my iPod on blast...
Oh man, and women? Like women I'm interested in? I turn into a complete idiot. I don't know what to do!
I've lost motivation to continue writing because there is so much...
I suppose I'll be back later.

Why is it every single time I move, I lose things? Either my relationship partner, friends, objects, or emotions.

since my last breakup my life has been a total & utter disaster. :-\ Constant worries about $ due to none of us having enough & it always being my responsibility to make sure it is all paid. Borrowing money from family, friends & even strangers. There are so many things that I have done in my life but very few do I feel angst about, borrowing money from strangers was pretty damn low for me.
I thought that moving to downtown Portland would be there right choice in life, to move on from the heartache & turmoil created in beaverton. Little did I know I was just walking right into the same situation, only more excessive, & more expensive. :-/ People living off of me for everything I had to offer. This began my epic journey towards alcoholism... When I first moved I didn't even drink... which is the retarded part. Not even a month after I moved is when all the shit began to trickle down... I took a close friend out for her 21st birthday... BAD CHOICE. This took my life & turned it upside down. My eyes opened to such manipulation, lies & clusterfuckness... Constant lieing & more lieing just to cover that lieing...

I was already depressed, but with all of this happening I started drinking heavily, I didn't know what else to do... It was the only way that I knew of how to forget all of the horrible emotions I was feeling...

You tell me that I am the main reason you're falling apart, that I am the cure to your insanity. That if I just change how I feel and come running back to you that everything will heal itself. You turn to powder to numb your mind, body and soul... I love you so much but not in the way you need or want me to. I have no way of changing that. You're killing yourself slowly and making me watch. Sick, twisted and satisfactory to you. I can't walk away... because then you'll be gone, completely.



You're the only one in control of your own life and world, somewhere down the line you bestowed this power unto me but I wasn't aware. In the beginning of our friendship/relationship I saved you then... I thought it was a glorious thing and that we would be together forever having that bond... But in the end I was killing myself slowly. Now we've switched seats. You've been through tragedy and sorrow and if I had the power you know I would take it all away from you. But I have no powers at all.



To be your friend and care for you is all I have left, and that just isn't enough. You escape into your bottles, liquid, powder and pill form. Just for that glimpse of numbness that makes you believe you'll be ok. It will never end, you are the only one who can stop this madness. I promised and swore to you time and time again that I would never walk away from you or leave you completely... but you're leaving me with no choice. Every message I get from you now is full of resentment and anger towards me, with a twist of how much you "love" me. You're holding on to me like I'm all you have left, and by doing this you're blinding yourself to the real world and whats really out there. If I leave your life, maybe the blinders will be lifted... give you the freedom to let me go and see what you truly have.



My biggest fear is me walking away and you leaving this world. I can't go through that again, to have someone so important to me ripped from this world by their own hands and actions... Those emotions of going through that sort of loss is nothing I would wish upon my worst enemy. I've been through it times before and I don't think I'm strong enough to survive it all over again.



What do I do? Sit here and watch you fall apart into a trillion peices of lost, broken hearted, soulless mess... or walk away with only the smallest chance of you pulling yourself together... You tell me I'm the only one who can pull you together, but its not the truth. You have all the power, control and self decision of becoming yourself again. Growing back into the person who once dwelled in your heart... I'm falling apart internally with you and you don't even notice, every word you say or thing you do, you're slowly ripping me apart... I feel selfish, I feel like a worthless peice of shit for wishing I could just runaway from it all, never knowing what the outcome could be... Fight or flight right? Well I've been fighting for so long that I don't think I have anymore strength left in me...



If I've run out of strength and you are running on empty, where does that leave us?

In the latest of events, I'm sick, once again. Just another glorious side affect of my lovely disease that will never go away. I wish I could buy new insides, or maybe trade with someone less deserving. I missed financial aide day at PCC, that screws me. I need fafsa, I need to take my college placement test... but even then will I be happy? I've been taking lithium for almost 3 weeks now, I don't see a change at all. Everything I really want in life is either impossible, or so close I can taste it but I just don't get it. All of my friends are working so hard for what they want and over coming their own personal battles & problems. I just need some motivation to be the same. My mind is never content. In a facade of happiness is how my world works. Maybe one day we will all have what we really want? Or we will die never knowing what it was that we really wanted. My body can't make up its mind on whether to be better, moderately ok, or horribly in pain. I know I'm not the only one with illness or pain & I would never say that, but just like everyone else, I want it to stop.

Post from mobile portal m.livejournal.com

So it's fucking 9:42am, & I haven't went to bed yet. Thanks to Viso. Yea, thanks.


Just read my last entry, I haven't done anything to do with a wedding, at all. I just don't want to. I don't know. Anyway, I have OHSU coverage. Which Phew, is good. Since I had surgery on the 2nd of December. Yea that blew. But I am healing ok.

All of These:
*Unemployed
*Sick because my Crohns Disease hates me
*Broke
*uninsured
*Mentally unstable
*On meds that make me even MORE mentally unstable
*Emotionally non-existant
*Heffer Status

Oh & um,

FUCKING BROKE!"

Still apply. Woot...

I'm thinking about applying for my medical marijuana card, along with applying for Disability. But fuck, I just don't know. Especially the green card, because Eliza is so anti me being involved in any drugs... I just dont get it though. Because it would HELP me, alot more then those fucking STEROIDS.

Oh wtf, Spice girls just come on my headphones.... scared me.

Ok sorry, fuck I need a cigarette before I just start gushing with writing goodness, brb.

Yea, that was a good cigarette. Ok fuck. I need to find a job. Its rediculous, all the jobs I've applied to I feel like I just haven't been given a chance. I'm stuck in a rut. The only positive thing that has happened is that I finished taking all my GED tests, but I won't know if I passed my Writing test until January, which makes it absolutely impossible for me to be able to register for winter term. I really wanted to be registering for college classes now, but thats not going to happen.

I'm really losing momentum for writing, but that's probably because I've been awake 24 hours.

Fuck me sideways, blarg. Ok, I'm going to find a movie On Demand, & probably pass out or something.

I'm out... I guess.

So I'm alive. Although anyone who knows me on here, should have seen or spoken to me in the last year, I would hope.


Things are dumb.

*Unemployed
*Sick because my Crohns Disease hates me
*Broke
*uninsured
*Mentally unstable
*On meds that make me even MORE mentally unstable
*Emotionally non-existant
*Heffer Status

Oh & um,

FUCKING BROKE!

It's 3am & I should be sleeping but the Corticosteroids they have me on give me wicked insomnia.

Positives, My Red Headed Faggot is OUT OF JAIL. :) Yay for my OTHER HALF being back in my life.

That means two things.

1)I'm whole again

&

2)I have to start planning a wedding...

I promised Eliza (since well she proposed to me almost 2 years ago) that when Tyler got out of Jail, I would start seriously planning for our wedding. Now the thing is, we are both unemployed & have no monies. So I'm assuming that an outline of what I want will come first, then pricing & then actual date & whatnots will be planned in the futures when monies are available.

Yes that sounds good.

I'm currently waiting on feedback from OHSU to find out whether I will be 100% or partially covered by them for my meds & appointments. 100% would be amazing cause well I have $20 to my name & about $25,000 in medical debt. & without the Remicade they have me on for my Crohns, I'm pretty useless.

Eliza & Mika are going to be up and out at 8am, I should REALLY be sleeping. :( Mika is buying Eliza a tattoo for her Papa's memorial. Just something simple for now, "Papa" And his birthday & day he passed. She will add more later as the $ comes in. We are leaving for Eugene on Thursday because his Memorial is on friday. I'm nervous. It's really weird because her Papa, even though I only met him 4 or 5 times. Was more of a grandpa I've ever known. It's sad I guess.

Alright, I am rambling horribly. So I will stop, but maybe now I will update more.

You never know, just maybe.

<3

So I haven't been on LJ for quite a while...and I try to filter my friends page to catch up, it only gives me like 20 entries...No previous page button.


What the fuck!?

How am I suppose to know what's up in my friends lives. I can barely figure out what is going on in mine.

Fuck the world dude.

I need to move, soon before I MURDER my mother.

For Sure.

im on my phone and i dont even know if this will work and actually post to my journal. but just know this, i am completely numb. i have no feelings, sympathy, sadness...im nothing but anger outrage and bitterness. im a coldhearted cunt and i dont know what to do too get myself back. it might happen... u never know. i should go to bed. she hates me, i hate me more, she just doesnt know it.

If you decide to do so, please repost this message, replacing my name with your own, and get as many of your friends to do just the same.


HELP THE MEMORY OF THIS LITTLE HERO LIVE ON, BY REPOSTING THIS BULLETIN, AND PLACING HIS PICTURE SOME WHERE ON YOUR PAGE. THIS IS SUCH A TRAGIC LOSS, AND HITS WAY TOO CLOSE TO HOME. TAKE A MOMENT OUT OF YOUR LIFE TO REMEMBER HIS, BECAUSE HE LOST HIS LIFE FOR ALL OF US....





THIS LITTLE BOY COULD HAVE BEEN ANY ONE OF US. THIS LITTLE BOY COULD HAVE BEEN YOUR SON, YOUR DAUGHTER, YOUR BROTHER, YOUR SISTER, YOUR MOTHER YOUR FATHER. THIS IS SUCH A TRAGIC LOSS, AND COULD HAVE BEEN PREVENTED. WE NEED TO RAISE AWARENESS, WE NEED TO BE THE VOICE FOR THOSE WHO CANNOT SPEAK FOR THEMSELVES, MOST IMPORTANTLY WE NEED TO HELP THE MEMORY OF THIS LITTLE BOY LIVE ON THROUGH EACH AND EVERYONE OF US. MY THOUGHTS GO OUT TO EACH AND EVERY ONE OF LAWRENCE KING'S FAMILY AND FRIENDS. EACH ONE OF US FACE HATE CRIMES ON A DAILY BASIS, FOR NOTHING MORE THEN LIVING OUR LIVES BEING EXACTLY WHO WE ARE. THIS LITTLE BOY GAVE HIS LIFE FOR IT.